What did we do last night that was yellow?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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