You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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