Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
