is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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