i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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