I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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