My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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