When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
