you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
