Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
