The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
