Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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