Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
