just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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