I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
