I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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