dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
