i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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