I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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