If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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