plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
