just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize