WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
