I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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