i think my mom watched the whole time
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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