I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize