When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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