I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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