I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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