look no pants
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Randomize
