May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I smell like Dick and happiness
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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