I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
