i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
