I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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