Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We need to get me chipped asap
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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