I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
