I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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