Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
