i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
