I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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