Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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