I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
try to milk me bitch
Randomize