before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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