Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
