your parents love me but you hate me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
