new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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