do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
