How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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