my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
