I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize