Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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