So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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