My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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