I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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