'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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