I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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