Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
