did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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