I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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