im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
