I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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