dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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