I met the friendliest cop last night
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
