Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
